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Jun. 27th, 2009 | 02:47 am
mood: anxiousanxious
music: THE KNIFE

"Your dad and I were talking and I told him that pretty soon we're going to have to start worrying about boys."
- Mother

I could have almost taken this as an insult, like, pretty soon you will actually have the ability to attract a male. But I am smart enough to know that my mother would never insult me like that. Instead she was complimenting me, my progress.

And I am excited for that added perk of my weight loss.

In my 22 years no one has ever shown any interest. I have never been in a relationship. So another part of me is completely terrified. I am what you would call prude, not naive, but prude. I have doled out quality relationship advice to many a friend but I have a feeling I will be clueless when it comes to dealing with such things myself. Terrified.

I have been boy-crazy my entire life and it is just totally foreign to me to think that at some point someone I have an interest in might actually be interested right back. Well, that has never happened before. I have quite high standards and am an incredible judge of character, but what if my powers are not enough to protect me from the Shitty Guy Club? Maybe I should have more faith in my abilities, but they have never been tested so intensely!

What if I give of myself too much or love too hard? I have spent so much time in my own little bubble full of friends and laughter and I'm not so sure about inviting heartbreak and testosterone into my "safe place." Every friend I have ever had has told me that I am "lucky" to not have to deal with the bad breakups and letdowns and general craziness, and in some respects I can agree with them. I have definitely learned a lot and in many ways gone through a lot by living vicariously through them.

And how will an average guy deal with a total n00b? I assume that would half freak them out. Or dealing with someone with body issues? As I am sure I will still be quite uncomfortable in my own skin even after I get to where I want to be.

Lesser so, I am also afraid that at some point in the future I might resent someone I become involved with because they like me thin, but might not have had I been my 317.6 pound self. Then again, I'm sure I will like me better thin, too.

Tell me it's going to be okay! Ah!

Can you tell that I am an over analyzer? Not a very good girlfriend quality. Haha.

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